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Name: Ben-jamin
Country: United States
State: New Jersey
Metro: Parsippany
Gender: Male


Interests: Poetic Terrorism
Expertise: Breaking into apartments--to graffiti--leaving hearts done with a lipstick-pen. Or parading through Pennsylvania in drag.Weird dancing in all-night computer-banking lobbies. Unauthorized pyrotechnic displays. Land-art, earth-works as bizarre alien artifacts strewn in State Parks. Burglarize houses but instead of stealing, leave Poetic-Terrorist objects. Kidnap someone and make them happy.Pick someone at random and convince them they're the heir to an enormous, useless and amazing fortune--say 5000 square miles of Antarctica, or an aging circus elephant, or an orphanage in Bombay, or a collection of alchemical mass. Later they will come to realize that for a few moments they believed in something extraordinary, and will perhaps be driven as a result to seek out some more intense mode of existence.
Occupation: Other
Industry: Hospitality


Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM: Kar6su


Member Since: 6/12/2005

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Monday, September 21, 2009

Through the Trees by "Low Shoulder" (No Country/Test Your Reflex)

All alone in an empty room

Nothing left but the memories

Of when

I hurt my best friend

 

And I don’t know how we ended up, here

And I don’t know but it’s never been so, clear

We made a mistake, dear

 

And I see

The broken glass in front of me

And I see

Your shadow hanging over me

And your face can see

 

Through the trees

I will find you

I will heal

The ruins that’s inside you

Cause I’m still here breathing now

I’m still here breathing now

I’m still here breathing now

Until I’m set free

Go quiet through the trees

 

And I remember how we used to, talk

About the places we would go when we moved off

And all that we were gonna find

 

And I remember watching our seeds grow

And how you cried when you saw the first leaves show

Love was pouring from your eyes

 

So can you

See

The branches hanging over me

So can you see

The love you left inside of me

And my face

Can you see

 

Through the trees

I will find you

I will heal

The ruins left inside you

 

Cause I’m still here breathing now

I’m still here breathing now

I’m still here breathing now

Until I’m set free

Go quiet through the trees

 

Cause you’re not coming back

Cause you’re not coming

No—ohhhh

No—ohhhh

Oh, you’re not coming back

You’re not coming back

 

And take my breath

As your own

Take my eyes

To guide you home

 

Cause I’m still here breathing now

I’m still here breathing now

I’m still here breathing now

I’m still here

 

Cause I’m still here breathing now

I’m still here breathing now

I’m still here breathing now

I’m still here, Lord

 

Cause I’m still here breathing now

I’m still here breathing now

I’m still here breathing now

I’m still here

 

And you’re not coming back

(I’m still here)

And you’re not coming back

(I’m still here)

And you’re not coming back

(I’m still here)

 

Until I’m set free

Go quiet through the trees


**I don't mind people ripping these lyrics, but please give credit to lol_guyx9 or Ben Yu =)


Saturday, April 04, 2009

For a while now, she has been convinced that with a bottle in her hand, she could tackle the world.

Like lightning, alcohol had taken control of her life. One night, in the chaos of a party, the vile liquid touched he lips, and she was in love. A few more nights and they eloped one Saturday morning. Day in and day out her spouse accompanied her secretly, hiding himself in a pocket or bag.

 

Unfortunately, her husband did not come cheap. At first, he demanded money from her parents’ wallets. They were newlyweds—how could she fail to comply? This provided the couple a brief respite, but as the girl’s need for her lover grew, so did the cost. She had to get a job, otherwise her parents could not help but notice the money liberated.

 

She could not work in any store or company. If she drank during hours, someone would catch her for sure. Once the secret came out, they would force the two to divorce. Her parents would say their marriage was unacceptable. Others would say separation would serve them both best. She knew better, however. They were wrong. It was meant to be.

 

The only option available was to babysit. Children who were prepubescent or near infancy could not identify her husband for who he was; if their lips met in their presence, there would be no gasp of alarm. To her wards, it was just another drink. It was easy enough to be employed.

 

Under her negligent care, kids ran wild. Had parents come home before the designated hours, they would have found her prone, apathetic figure on the couch, ignorant of their children’s whereabouts and activities. In her left hand, she would hold a bottle of some spirit; her husband was kind enough to accompany her as she worked to support him. Because it was for him, she had no complaints. She shuffled from house to house, week to week. The ritual was identical from one house to the next. Wash, rinse, and repeat.

 

Half an hour before her employers would return, she put the children to bed. With rancid breaths, the couple would sing the children a lullaby. In a drunken stupor, the girl screeched out the words as the bottle accompanied her with a rhythmic clink on the nearest piece of furniture. After trial and error, they discovered their show was only successful with one song. The words went something like this: Rock-a-bye baby, on the treetop. When the wind blows, the cradle will rock…

 

Her weekly performances never ceased to bring tears to her bloodshot eyes. She couldn’t explain it, so she consulted her husband on the matter. He had no answer for her either, so he made her forget about it like he did with all her troubles. They sang the same song every time they would babysit. The tears would come to her anew after each session. Like a dutiful spouse, the bottle would come to whisk away her daily worries. Wash, rinse, and repeat.

 

Time passed. Her grades dropped below Ds, she no longer talked to her friends, and she had fights daily with her mother and father. Strangely, none of it seemed to be happening to her. Like events on a projector’s screen, she saw her own life like photographs and movie-clips. Everything was so surreal. The only thing that did not seem fake was the bottle she clutched close every night, proof that she had drunk herself to sleep.

 

Apparently, she held onto another phantom habit, because at breakfast one morning her mother explained that she sang in her sleep. Every night, without fail, the girl's mouth would move to make the same words. Both parents agreed that it went something like this: When the wind blows, the cradle will rock. When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall.

 

The girl was a bit surprised. Perhaps she spent too much time babysitting children. Or, maybe, she did not have a large enough dose of her husband. She had not been feeling very well as of late. A smile sprung to her lips. It must be the latter.

 

That night, she took three bottles to the house where she worked. Never before had she passed the figure of two during one session. But it was necessary. Recently, she didn’t feel as close to the bottle as before. What would serve the couple better than spending more time together?

 

Before taking the little boy to bed that evening, she drained the contents of the final bottle. Up the stairs they went, into the Power Ranger themed room. She tucked him in. The little tyke gave her a goodnight hug. Sitting on the side of the bed, she cleared her throat. It was lullaby time.

 

Before getting home, she picked up one more bottle. The private concert earlier had mysteriously moved her to tears, like always. She must have been sad of her husband’s sudden disappearance. After so much of him, his absence was almost unbearable.

 

The world grew unusually dim as she made her way through the front door. Her parents had taken advantage of her leave to go out without needing to prepare her dinner. They honestly need not to have worried. Their daughter had not eaten much since her marriage. At the staircase, she mounted the first step, while giving her husband a long kiss. Halfway up, the world went blank.

 

As the clock approached midnight, her parents returned home. When they opened the door, the mother screamed. The father ran to get the phone. Their daughter lay in a pool of blood and liquor at the base of the steps. After dropping the bottle, the girl had tumbled down the stairs. Shattered glass broke her fall.

 

She lay like she did on the sofa every week, a mannequin with empty eyes. A divorce was now inevitable. But she didn’t seem to care. From her lips escaped the words of a lullaby. To her surprise, she wasn’t crying. The girl smiled. Perhaps her husband wasn’t necessary, anyways.

 

Paramedics rushed in, lifting her glass pierced form. On the way to the hospital, she closed her eyes while swaying on the stretcher. Not even for a moment did anyone fear she was no longer alive. Like a broken record, her lips had not missed a beat.

 

And down will come baby, cradle and all.


Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Once in a while--meaning very few, and far between--I say something vaguely rational and intelligent.

I'd like to share that with you: (Speaking of how I interpret my life...!)

I think that it's ephemeral like so many other things are in life. A demeanor is only transient; our lives? relationships? They arguably exist ONLY on a temporal level.

But I do not like to think that way.

I would prefer that you DID know who I was for so many years. Why? Because then I have an identity with which to combat tomorrow; I have a face with which I can return when I'm afraid.

In the end, the quest for personal identity is...strangely...a quest of personification. A grammatical device? No; personification in that only you can bestow YOUR SORT of humanity upon actions.

You have known me for many years--if what you have known is an illusion, then I am but a specter of the past.

[...is it open for interpretation?]

What isn't? Hermeneutics aren't advanced enough so that I can express myself perfectly.

The sign and the signified always operate at a level of metaphysical disjunction.

I, in fact, am open for interpretation. My self-projection, however, is simply how I wish for others to interpret me. Yet in that lies a paradox, correct?

I wish I was stupid. I honestly do.


Saturday, March 07, 2009

I am coming alive.


Wednesday, February 25, 2009

...before someone plagiarizes this...I'm going to post it so everybody knows it's by freaking me.

Anya
(Mother, in another language)

In her childhood, she used to jump over puddles.

The rainwater would splash, and often, a smatter of mud would appear on the red galoshes she wore. When she jumped over those puddles, she flew, as one flies high in the sky, without any inhibition, or fear; a feeling of vertigo that surpassed the eagles.

What I wouldn't give for her salvation. How dearly I missed her hand in mine, when innocence had made me dear to her. With age, only tragedy interlocks our fingers.

Now I sit helplessly by the side of the bed, as her boyfriend watches the monitor. Her heartbeat seemed to form a word: LIPS. He instinctively kissed her. Would she now awake from her coma? No change. He watched again. HEART it said. He kissed her soft breast. No change. Just before she flat-lined, her pulse read I LOVE YOU.

Apathetic attendants rushed in to lift her prone form from the bed onto a stretcher. Her thin fingers wagged at me with diffidence; even in death, her limp arm wished to wave good bye. As they pushed her out the door, in tempo with my heavy heart, I met the nurse's eyes. Like hers, and mine, they were of the deepest navy blue. Tears fell like raindrops in a storm, crashing to the floor, long owed to someone now gone. In her childhood, we used to jump over puddles.
__________________

Need I ask?

She stormed up the front steps, and it was clear the day had not gone well. Without thought the boots came flying, bouncing off the far wall. A flutter of cloth and her coat fell to the ground. I tried to speak to her.

No avail—she ignored me, proceeding straight upstairs. The door to her room slammed. I knew what would come next. The music started blaring. Yet I knew it was all just a ruse. All just a mask.

Because should I go up the stairs, past that door, and looked upon the bed…it would be a girl, curled up on the bed, crying and screaming that would meet my eyes; one unable to find comfort in the world.

But I won't. And she'll just drown in the music. Maybe I'm a murderer, but one day, someone will need to teach her to swim.

How can you protect someone forever?


____________________

It hurts so badly sometimes; it hurts so terribly, wretchedly bad sometimes, when I think she'd rather not live at all.

She said Mother was heartless. She said I didn't understand her. She said there was no need for hugs, kisses, or comfort. Was all her anger directed at me?

Past all the bone, blood, flesh, tissue, this, here, could have easily proved her wrong. My heart—how soft it is, like a little babe, cradled in my arms. My heart—it has always been there for you. Who was it that didn't want to love? But despite my love, never did I extend a helping hand; the smiles I offered, the kind words tossed, are all feeble replacements for action.

I know that she was right. When she needed me the most, I was gone. I had been busy watching the world pass by; I had been waiting for someone to save her. Even in my hands, that babe has been broken into a million pieces. Now my days are spent collecting these scattered pieces, each shard remembrance of memories good and bad. You bury your parents in the graveyard, but your children in your heart.



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